The facts of the matter.

Hello.

I am a face of evil.

Well at least I was a face of evil.

Wait!

Look me in the eyes when I say that.

It was a long time ago.

I committed a crime. I hurt some people important to me.  I will never be able to forget about it nor am I allowed to forget about it.. It makes me unqualified to be or do many, many things or even pretend that nothing happened.

It almost seems that people can get hurt by associating with me simply because of that terrible, terrible thing I did long ago... because it is obvious to some that if someone associates with an evil person then of course they and the things they are trying to do must be evil as well.

You see once you are labeled EVIL you are still perceived as such even if you wipe the slate clean-- after all the slate may be clean but it is still black...

The fact that I was mentally unwell at the time is no excuse. Nor the extenuating circumstances forgiving. Or that the judge that sentenced me was known as a "hanging judge" but he gave me the lightest sentence he had ever given in his long legal career. I have no excuse and will not try to represent there is one. Nor am I able to make it explicable to you. Do you really think I aspired to be hated?

After all, unlike many big time criminals [George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Wall Street, The "Too Big to Fail" Banks, anyone?],  I admitted my guilt. Unlike those who flaunt the law and the concepts of justice, I accept my responsibility rather than deny it. I did not want those I had harmed to be harmed further. I tried to allow justice be served to those I harmed and I hoped for justice in return.

But what I have received for my foolish bid to tell the truth and receive justice was cold vengeance.

I went to prison. There I was driven into full blown psychosis which was treated by placing me in solitary confinement for a long period of time. When I finally did reach "the mainline"  I was raped and abused. After six months of these tender mercies of justice, I took my own life and I died. Of course since I was evil that was o.k. right? Evil people need to be tormented and then die horrible deaths, right? That is justice right?

There it would have ended but a couple of damn fool convicts [an armed robber and a murderer] decided to revive me and watch over me like they were Angels tasked with saving my wretched life. Maybe they were... maybe the point was I had not suffered enough... or maybe Life considered I deserved a touch of mercy.

In any case, after a time I was released and small "miracles" happened here and there. The miracles kept me alive and afloat. One of those thing was I met the person who became my best friend and then my wife. She stayed with me even when I told her she should leave me-- because I am who I am I told her everything. To my surprise she stayed. She has believed in me for all of these years.. and I am humbled.

Yet over the years I gave up being a public person. I began to be a shut-in and recluse because I did not want to cause anyone discomfort. I have come to fear others will try to harm me-- after all I was once evil and it seems to many people that  once you are evil, you remain so... or maybe they are confused about the date and think I am the same person was twenty seven years ago and I am still actively seeking to harm people.

I lost my job three years ago and it became apparent that between my age and "state of the art" background checks that no one would look in my direction. Still I and my wife have managed to survive.

And then last night that old bit evil history... the one I have paid for again and again, and yet again...  tapped me on the shoulder in the person of someone whom I deeply respect and for whom I had written a blog post. He had been sent a link by one of his associates and who advised him I was evil.

Being the good person he is, he asked me point blank if I was thus and so... and so and thus... Confronted with the truth I did what any evil person of good standing does. I told the truth. You see the fact of the matter is I am such an evil person I cannot tell lies to save my wretched soul or to salvage a friendship. We all know that good people tell lies sometimes. I cannot imagine why my wife loves me so much:

"Yes, dear, you look fat in those..."

THUMP!

Please don't break your neck on my attempt at irony.

Based upon my honesty [and the facts-- I cannot deny I was convicted!], I was cut loose by my friend. My post was removed from his blog and so, he told me, would my recent comments be removed.

I was cast out into "darkness" of the inner circles of that hell we all love-- the internet...

Here...  into the Zeroth Circle.

Why did he "cut me loose" and kick me out? For fear that the taint of who I was twenty seven years ago might destroy the reputation of he and the circle of friends he has gathered. Better to throw one evil stranger under the bus than lose your top spot on a mountain made egos and moral superiority.

In an effort to protect my family and those whom I consider friends from potential "vigilante" abuse [I've been thrown to the bullies before] I've cleaned out my circles and posts from G+.

So yes I am a face of evil... or at least I once was. It sags quite a bit now [the face that is] and I imagine that soon enough it will be gone, along with the rest of me.

If you believe I am still evil you need not stay here. To leave this den of evil, click on that little house shaped thingy on your browser bar. It will take you to your home page. I cannot compel you to read what I write... nor do I expect you to like who I was [or who I am now for that matter-- I'm not particularly likable any more]... but the truth of the matter is I am tired of having to hide whom I once was...  If you choose to leave, do us both a favor: don't come back.

After all we all know I was evil.

If you stay, it remains for you to decide if I am still evil and whether what I might say to you here actually is valid, truthful, or even [dare I say it?] good.

One caveat: to remain here or to become my friend is at your own peril. Don't say I did not warn you. Not because I would harm you... but there are those that seem to feel that to have conversation with a former "evil doer" is to be an "evil doer" as well or that to do so would suddenly turn one's carefully nurtured field of study into the belly laugh of a skeptic. Or that I might lead an innocent into the dark shadows of moral turpitude. Simply put, I cannot defend you against the moral judgement of others for having befriended me...

One more thing. I don't need to be saved or "come to Jesus". I am Jewish. I'll stay that way. I'm sure Jesus won't mind.

So what do I plan to do with this blog?

I want to spend some time speculating on the nature of reality, myth, truth, and faith. I might also add a thing or two on other topics I love. I might even go so far as to talk about the nature of humanity and its lack thereof... or even on the goodness of foolishness and the foolishness of goodness

I will publish my own thoughts and maybe some of the fragments of the things my father wrote about UFO phenomena. While UFOs are not really a topic I much care about, my father did have some interesting things to say on the subject... and over the years he [and even I] had some interesting encounters.

The next thing I will post is a revised version of the post that was taken down [to eliminate any reference to the first location it was posted]. I am solely responsible for my history and as I have related the person in question is as far as I can tell a reputable person who was unaware of my evilness.

Even if I am evil or was evil [I feel somewhat like Schrodinger's cat in the matter-- Am I alive or Dead? Am I evil or not evil? Only you can determine my fate] I believe I can spin at least some interesting speculative ideas.

I'll moderate comments.

Want to be skeptical of me or my ideas? That's fine. Keep things respectful and I promise to do the same but if you start calling people idiots or evil or whatever, you'll loose you right to call yourself a "rationalist". In that case, you can go play some place else

Hate mail or hateful comments will not be accepted nor tolerated.

 I don't want there to be any confusion about my motivations or the need to keep safe those who need to be kept safe.

If I don't see you again -- Have a nice forever!